Talking…
I had the privilege of having my grandparents visit last week. One of my sisters and my other grandparents visited last month. I was just thinking today about our family. My sister’s and my accident was one of the most traumatic things that happened to our entire family. It was life-changing for each of us. Today, we are all living healthy lives. A common thing that happens every time our family gets together is that we talk about the accident. We talk about what we each felt and went through and we talk about how we feel right now… where we are at in the healing process.
I remember going to my first World Burn Congress. I think that it was in 1999. There were other people that were first time attendees as well. Their response was that they were so happy to meet others that understood what they’ve gone through. They loved support groups, and they thrived on the resources that the Phoenix Society connected them with. I remember feeling weird that I didn’t have a need for a support group and I wondered why. Then I realized it was because I already had one. In addition to my family that supported me, I had my sister that was also burned; she and I knew each other’s pain.
A few years ago I was attending another World Burn Congress. My plastic surgeon introduced me to a beautiful, petite latino girl who was probably about twenty years old. She truly could have been a model. She had some hidden scars that she received in a kitchen accident where boiling water burned her when she was three years old. There were a couple of small scars on her face, and she had come to my doctor desperate for him to remove her scars now that she was an adult and was living in the States for college. My doctor recognized that there was a bigger issue than her scars, which were barely visible. He recommended her to a counselor and required she go before he would perform any surgery on her. When she had done her time with the counselor and came back requesting her surgery, my doctor asked her to come to a World Burn Congress.
On the last night of the conference she sat down and talked to me. She told me how overwhelmed she was by what she had seen there. She told me how much she had confined her life because of her scars. She had never worn shorts or dresses, never done any sports, never spent the night at friend’s houses. She was afraid to get too close to a boy and was constantly fearing that once others knew of her imperfection they would immediately reject her. She had gone for surgery desperate to have the life that her scars had prevented her from living.
She then told me about the accident. At three years old she was a daddy’s girl. While her daddy was at work her young mother had been cooking something on the stove and her little girl was at her feet when she spilled a pot of boiling water. The mother was horrified; she picked up her daughter and ran to the neighbor’s house for help to get her to the hospital. In her confusion and horror her mother said, “Please don’t tell her father, he’ll kill me!” The child recovered. Her family was still in tact, but they never talked about the accident.
In a three-year old’s mind, she feared that talking about her injury would destroy her mother. Because her family never talked about it, she felt she could never show her scars. I could tell, as I talked to her, that it was dawning on her that her three-year old interpretation of her accident had shaped the course of the rest of her life. Logically, she knew that she was loved and valued by her parents, but her mindset was that the scars and their presence were to remain hidden, and that somehow her secret made her unworthy of being completely loved.
One of the key steps to healing is talking about your pain. As it is talked about, you are able to separate the truth from the lies… the real from the absurd. We cannot compare our pain with others and deem it unworthy of voicing. Even the “small” pains in our lives can defile us, just like a relatively minor cut that is left uncared for can lead to a major infection. If you are unable to talk to someone about your pain then I encourage you to write it down, every detail of what you feel, no matter how shameful you deem your own feelings. I believe that this truly helps to define where we are in our healing process and clarifies our next step.
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7
Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
Thoughts on Identity
Many others see their scars as what has made them strong and as their identity. My view is a bit different. My burn injury brought to the surface the strength, courage, and character that was sleeping within me. My identity isn’t found in my scars. They don’t make me who I am. My identity is found in the One who has given me the grace and courage to live my life regardless of my scars. My life includes, but is not defined by, an injury that has profoundly changed my mind, my heart, and the path that my choices were leading me down.
A Heavy Heart
In the past two weeks I have heard three very different stories, all heart breaking.
Two weeks ago I got a call from a family member of a burn survivor. A 12 year-old boy had a big burn injury two years ago that has disfigured him. The incident also injured his father, he lost a sister, and his parents have since divorced. The boy is now exhibiting some negative behavioral concerns and the family wants help. Going through any of the above mentioned traumas alone would be huge. Imagine being 12 and facing all of the pain that this little boy must be experiencing. Imagine his mother’s and father’s pain as they look at their dear son who is enduring the scars that mark an incident that took their little girl from them.
After this I heard of an 18-month old baby who has been in the burn hospital for 7 months, unable to be released because there is nowhere for him to go. Very few foster families have been trained to care for a burn injury. His parents are in prison for what they did to him. Imagine the pain that he has endured at the hands of those that were supposed to love him and protect him and the healing that his heart will have to go through at suffering such abuse and abandonment.
This last weekend a burn survivor (I say “survivor” because is takes a lot of courage and strength to survive a disfiguring, disabling, big burn injury.) was unable to endure the emotional pain that tormented him for years. In his anger, depression and pain, he injured others, took a life, and then took his own. I can’t imagine the pain his family must have felt every time that they tried to express to him their love and value for him and they watched as their words bounced off him instead of sinking into his heart. Only severe self-hatred could cause him to do what he did.
The needs are real and the needs are now. Each of these situations carry with them such a high level of pain. The physical pain is easy compared to the life altering emotional pain that these individuals will/did endure for years to come. There is/was hope for each of these. There is One that has suffered all that they have suffered, even when they think that they are the only ones. That Hope, that Healer, Comforter, Father, and Friend is Jesus. Please pray for these individuals and their families. Pray that they would be able grab onto the Hope that wants so badly to make them whole.
